My Beautiful Boys

I am blessed ...

Due Date - 6th Jan 2009

When I first found out I was pregnant I remember straight away thinking 'Ooh, when will my baby be due then?' and excitedly working it out on a calendar.

The next exciting step is the first scan: the dating scan. How exciting that I am going to be told the date my baby is 'due' to arrive!

After this, everyone asks 'when are you due?' and everything is on countdown to that date. It was on my calendar at home, at work, on my phone and on the calendars of friends and family!

You start counting the weeks, and days, looking in books, on websites, tracking the growth and progress of the little bundle of joy.

You plan your foreseeable life around this 'guide' date and make decisions on when to finish work, go on holidays, buy baby stuff ...

Then 'Hello Mummy!' Blaine arrived. Noooo. It wasn't the 6th Jan 2009. It wasn't even 2009. I hadn't finished work and hadn't bought much.

So, 22nd September is the new 6th Jan- we can handle that! But old calendars still read 6th Jan, my notes are adorned with it, consultants refer to it and often measure by it and it is etched in my mind.

When Blaine was in hospital those first few months of his life we were often told to still go by his 'due' date as a coming home date. So it remained on the calendars, the countdown of months, and days, continued and all was prepared for the 6th Jan.

Just before this date it was decided that Blaine needed laser eye surgery. I was devastated. I remember sitting in his room, the eye doctor packing away his instruments and saying 'he'll have the surgery on 6th Jan!' I burst into tears; fear and regret for my baby but also saying 'don't they know what that date is!'

So, today is 6th January again. My baby's due date. No, he wasn't born on this date and no, he didn't come home on this date but today we got his (pre) school uniform and had a dress rehearsal and he looks so smart and gorgeous and we have spent the whole day laughing and playing.

Happy 'un' birthday to my special boy :)

Be real ...

Don't you just hate patronising people? I really try my best never to patronise anyone and certainly would never do it intentionally. I'm sure most of the time it's not done with intention but it still really gets my goat!

So, I'm gonna have a moan and set some things straight ... rather the laptop gets a lashing than the next person who is just being 'well-meaning'.

I don't drive. Big deal. I could if I really wanted to, and I'm sure one day I will. I've had a million lessons but just lose focus and never book a test. Months pass and then the cycle begins again; lessons galore but never book a test. I'm just not that bothered. So, I rush around like a lunatic, I catch busses, walk almost everywhere, even with bags and a pushchair and I'm still not bothered enough yet to take a driving test. Don't feel sorry for me. If and when I want to I'll just do it. And I'm sure then, I'll be like all the drivers out there and wonder how the hell I ever 'coped' without a car. But I'm not ill - I just don't drive. Poor me having to walk or jump on a bus - get over it, it's no big deal!

I have one child. I'm so bored of people assuming I have one child because of Blaine's early arrival. Of course, this has added another element to family planning but I can have children and if I longed for another baby I would have one. I might have to have various checks along the way but lots of women are monitored through pregnancy. The fact is I'm just not broody. We never planned to have another baby. I love Blaine to pieces, he is my life, and I'm content with our family as it is. We have talked lots of times about more children and it has been difficult to not let Blaine's early start cloud our decisions but when we put that aside we can honestly say we wouldn't have had any more children. Shock, horror! Don't feel sorry for me. I have one child due to choice not circumstance.

My husband can be an arse. Yep, it's true. but so can most men. Relationships are hard work. But they are so worth it. When you love someone you take them warts and all and love them unconditionally. I'm no mug and would never be unhappy but when I say my husband can be an arse I mean simply just that - we row, we make mistakes but we laugh, cry, share and are great friends. I know him and he knows me. We support each other and work well. Anyone who makes out they don't squabble and have ups and downs is either deluded or lying. The occasional whinge is normal! Don't feel sorry for me. I'm married to a fab man and we're still growing together.

And I could go on ...

The point is you should be able to be open and honest with people and just talk and be who you are, not be patronised or made to feel inferior ...

I've got an amazing son, lovely husband, great friends, nice home, funny cat and a brilliant job.

P*ss of patronising people!

Happy wedding anniversary to us!

It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. Six years since our wonderful wedding day. We went out last night to celebrate and had a lovely meal, a few drinkies and danced into the early hours. It was so nice to have some time together for just us.

I was never the sort of little girl who dreamed of her wedding day or making a home and babies but as soon as I met Mark something just clicked. It wasn't about being cool or having to impress, we just hit it off straight away and felt instantly comfortable and relaxed. We are great friends and enjoy each others company. In lots of ways we're very different and then we also have so much in common.

I wouldn't have been happy just being Mark's girlfriend. I wanted to marry him and he felt the same. I think it's definitely helped us through the rough times too - it makes our bond stronger and gives the relationship importance. I believe in marriage, I think it's important to make that commitment, to take the vows and to stick by them.

The fact we were able to have a brilliant wedding day celebrating and partying with all our family and friends was an added bonus. It was a magical day from begin to end.

Here's looking forward to another six years, and another after that, and another after that ...

We've been busy ...

I've neglected this blog for a few weeks, not intentionally; I'm not bored of it yet! It's just that I started back at work in September and so things have been super busy!

I went back to work a year after Blaine was born but only for a couple of hours a week, more to keep my job going rather than for money, and Blaine was looked after by family. Since then I have done varied part time hours and Blaine has always been in the care of my husband or a family member.

This September is the first time that I have gone to work and Blaine has gone to nursery. I have been really lucky that he is able to come to the nursery that is on the site where I am working. He travels in with me, I drop him in 10 minutes before I start and can pick him up minutes after I finish - it's been great!

It wasn't planned; I was actually planning on taking this term off and starting Blaine in a nursery in January when his nursery vouchers kick in but this job came up for a couple of months and it's been an ideal trial for both me and Blaine. I was so unsure at first; Blaine's never been left in a nursery setting before - we've always gone to the 'stay and play' groups but, of course, I'm always there with him!

And how has Blaine taken to it? Well, as usual he's taken it all in his stride. He hasn't complained or made a fuss once. He has gone straight in and adapted to everything that is asked of him. I couldn't me more proud.

The nice thing is, I can go over in my lunch break and spy through the glass in the door - I have stood looking through the glass and seen a wonderful little boy sitting around a table with other kids, apron on, just-made cardboard crown on, tucking in to his packed lunch. I stood there staring ... took me to a moment of being right back stood staring into the incubator ... this is the same little baby, my amazing, brilliant little boy!

As for me, I don't mind telling you I'm tired. Juggling mum, wife, housekeeper and everything else life has to offer is sure keeping me busy but I'm gonna take inspiration from my little man ... and take it all in my stride:)

A day to celebrate!

Today is my little boy's third birthday. Three years ago today was not a day to celebrate. Yes, my baby had been born, and thank God he was born alive, but he was born 16 weeks too early.

Today is 22nd September, his due date was 6th January. I had visions of being a big, round Christmas pudding come Christmas time and looked forward to meeting our baby in the new year ahead. My body and Blaine had other ideas. That day was a long one - Blaine was born at 5:19am so the day seemed to go on and on forever. Waiting by the phone, listening to whispers in corners, making the journey to visit my baby later that evening when he was transferred and stable, expected to sleep that night - no baby in my belly, no baby by my bed, no baby even in a room nearby.

Three years later and today is a day to celebrate! My precious baby is THREE! He has grown in to a beautiful, smiling and funny little boy. I couldn't be more proud, in fact I feel very lucky.

Today we went for a birthday lunch together - Blaine's choice - cowboy burger and chips and ice cream with a wafer! This evening family descended on us for birthday cake with presents and cards galore! Saturday afternoon Blaine is having a party with all his cousins and friends!

Yep, today we can celebrate - a day that proves miracles do happen. The day my beautiful baby boy was born :)

I feel blessed ...

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth,
selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Marjorie Forrest, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a premmie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today.
She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles.
"A mirror will suffice."